Emotional

My mother sat me down and had a 'conversation' with me (she was the only one that spoke). She said a lot of things, but the basic concept that she wanted to get across was 'either adapt or leave'. This did not surprise me... My mother is someone who like for people to behave like she wants them too. What surprise me was, that I almost cried. She never saw that, but I felt how in various moment my eyes were feeling a little watery. Suffice to say that when she finished her talk and I went to my room, I started crying.

It is a situation divided in two parts. One part is my hormonal unbalanced. Since July weird body shit has been going on due to hormonal unbalance. I have been taking contraceptive pills to balance them out. So I have been very unstable emotionally for the last 3 weeks (like a permanent stage of pre-menstrual symptoms).

The other part... Well, I feel like being myself is not enough. I feel like my life is pushing me to become something else. Something that I am not. I feel myself running from certain situations, running to hide within a shell. A shell that will protect me from the outside. "Adapt or leave" "Cannot afford to love you" "I am not sure that I love you" .... All told to me, by different people, various people... Some repeated in the same person. All told to me for at least the past 5 or 6 years. I should be used to it by now. But I am not... They still push me down, like the first time... Maybe I just have to wait until I am at bottom. 'Cause only there will I go the only other way I can. Up.

Or maybe, just maybe, I am just menstrual and this is all my imagination.